Letting Go

It has been my mantra, my process, my inner guide, and it keeps reappearing in everything I am doing this year. I sat down to write about my word for the year in early January, and as with lots this year, life swooped me up and I flowed with waves of kids and work and moments of just being and moments of chaos, and just about everything in between. But then, I kept coming back to it and wanting to write it out. So, here goes...

I am letting go of the fact that it is already July (!) and I am just now sharing my word of the year (and letting go of the fact that I wrote this in May and just now posting it!).

I am letting go of a timeframe for when I "have" to have things "done" because honestly it is the process of getting there that matters most.

I am letting go of my plan to have already written my birth story, or to have it up by the time baby boy was 6 months, which he already is (actually 8 months at the time of this posting).

I am letting go of all the things I wanted to do before we launched the Tour and focusing on the amazing feat that we did it with a baby boy and all of our kiddos in tow!

I am letting go of trying to be the best stay at home mom and work from home mom and work with my kids mom all in one, and being proud that I am there for them and doing my best always. 

I am letting go of the stack of mail to open and contacts to follow up on. Will get to it, in time.

I am letting go of my need to have a to-do list a mile long, always, and never feeling like I get it done. Change in perspective.

I am letting go of my desire to have all of our emails updated so I can finally start that newsletter. Yeah, will get it done, eventually.

I am letting go of the fact that I sometimes write three or four blog posts in a row, and then forget to add photos, and then don't post them for weeks. I am letting go of the fact that there may be times when I don't write for awhile and then write a bunch all at once. It's my blog I can do what I want.

I am letting go of the craziness that comes when you own your own business and non-profit, and juggle events, marketing, fundraising, blogging, and a million other details on our own, just me and the hubby, all while being there for our four kids 24/7 on the road full-time.

I am letting go of the fact that there will always be something on the website to update, an email to return, a proposal or blog to write, and a million other things that I can't get done in a day because I am changing a diaper, reading a story, making lunch, folding clothes, walking, biking, or just being with my kiddos, because they come first. Always.

I am letting go of the hope to have a day where all the laundry is folded and put away and there is nothing in the hamper (or on the floor), really, that exists?

I am letting go of the fact that while it is so very easy to clean 256 sq. ft., it is also so very easy to quickly mess it up, and so it is every day.

I am letting go of the wish that I had started up that kombucha again, my desire to grow herbs inside, start sewing (or at least sew those buttons back on), and make every meal from scratch, yes sometimes it's frozen gluten-free waffles for breakfast and store bought iced tea, at least they're organic and Non-GMO!

I am also letting go of judgement and worry of what others may think of how we live and how we educate our children and how we eat and how we parent.

I am letting go of what the camper neighbors may think and what some of our family and friends think.

I am letting go of the naysayers and the doubters and the ones who have questioned our lifestyle.

I am letting go of the person who emailed recently to judge me and question why I own a tipi, really? 

I am letting go because that is not my stuff, but rather their stuff, others' inability to question themselves and so they ridicule others.

I am letting go of those who have tried to bring us down, when all we ever do is try and lift others up.

I am going to try and let go of my past trauma, the ghosts that sometimes still haunt me on those emotional days when I am easily triggered.

I am going to try and fully forgive those who have done me wrong and caused such pain so that I can release that pain and the memories that resurface.

I am going to embrace the present so that those triggers aren't as easy to come back.

 

I am also going to let go of those things I have done that I cannot go back and change, the choices made when I didn't have all the knowledge I have today.

I want to let go of the regret from the years before I knew about GMOs and vaccines and fluoride and pitocin and antibiotics and gluten and dairy.

I want to let go of the Mama guilt for not knowing when my oldest kiddos were little, for taking so long to figure it all out.

I want to let go of the labels that were handed me, that were given to my kids, that are so mainstream that most don't question, and instead honor the path we took to heal and make better and set ourselves free.

I am letting go of fear and embracing the here and now.

I am letting go of that scared little girl inside of me and holding my fiercely independent spirited fire girl that stands before me all on her own.

I am letting go of being afraid to scream when I needed to, and allowing her to express those big emotions as she needs to.

I am breaking free from the boundaries placed on me from a system that seemed too big and powerful to question, while at the same time setting boundaries so that my children can live free while feeling safe.

I am hoping I can let go of what I didn't know and be fully satisfied in my path that led me to what I do know now.

 

I am letting go of the worry and anxiety and feelings of not being enough.

If I can let go of convention to live such an alternative lifestyle, than I should be able to let go of all the rest, right?

Let go of the reigns and fully trust that it will all work out as it is supposed to, always.

Let go of the noise and really hear my intuition.

Let go in the messy middle, not some certain time or place that appears "right"

Let go to be silly and fun and funky and alive.

Let go to dance and sing and laugh out loud.

Let go to whisper and breathe and get enough sleep.

Let go to just BE.

Just. let. go.

Angela Malson